Fairy Tales of DOOM
by Ainigma
Summary: Fairy tales. The meaning of every child’s life and the bane of every adult forced to read it to them… and the newest way to poke fun at the Reikai Tentai, who find themselves playing the main character. Cinderella? Pah, Kurama's so much better.
1. Prologue

**Author's Note: **Haha, I'm so gonna have fun with this one. xD Imagine the Reikai Tentai, parading around, dancing into all sorts of mishaps… makes you feel kinda warm and fuzzy inside, eh?

**Summary:** Fairy tales. The meaning of every child's life and the bane of every adult forced to read it to them… and the newest way to poke fun at the Reikai Tentai, who find themselves playing the main character. Cinderella has never been so twisted.

**Disclaimer:** I do not own YYH, nor will I ever own YYH. Boo hoo.

* * *

**Fairy Tales of DOOM – Cheers!**

It all began one sunny day that wasn't actually sunny… it was kinda cloudy really. It was one of those days when it just doesn't pay to get out of bed.

And of course, the Reikai Tentai, who have made silent vows to oppose all logic, did that and more. They marched right down to Koenma's office when he told them to, complaining and grumbling all the way. Just like good little children… even though they're not really children anymore.

"Alright team, I've assembled you here today to introduce you all to a new artifact that somebody sent me," Koenma announced, holding up a huge book titled 'Fairy Tales and More'.

"Isn't 'I'm so older than you' a little too old for fairy tales?" Yusuke asked, giving Koenma an odd look.

Koenma glared at the boy, "What do you know?"

Yusuke could have said a lot of witty comments, including cliché ones and not so cliché ones. But, knowing what was good for him and his precious sanity, he chose to keep his big mouth shut.  
For once.

"I am going to open the book in your presence, as, if it just so happens to be a clever way of shipping demons here, I have you to protect me," Koenma stated wisely. The four boys looked quite bored, really.

I mean, which insane, homicidal maniac would bother sticking demons in a book?! One not even big enough to put Puu in nonetheless! Even Koenma could defeat such a demon.

But, deciding not to argue for, again, the sake of their sanity, the Reikai Tentai watched child of Enma open the book.

"Hey, what do you know, there are no demons in here after all!" Koenma exclaimed happily, glancing up at the spot where the Reikai Tentai should have stood.

But they weren't there.

He blinked, and shrugged. He was wrong, the book was dangerous… better them than himself, right? Pulling out a glass of wine and ignoring the fact that he looked pretty underage, he toasted an invisible person in front of him. "Cheers."

Then the blue ogre burst in, and snatched the wine bottle from him. "Koenma, I can't believe you! You're underage."

Said person's eye twitched, but chose not to say anything yet. This time, it wasn't for the sake of his sanity…

It was because he was still holding that fairy tales book, and arguing about age with that in his hands was just…

Well, it's not very smart, is it?

Koenma chose to argue.

Shame, shaaaaaaaaaame.

* * *

When I went to finally upload chapter five, there was a small note beside this one. Reupload. Therefore, I reuploaded it. xD Dunno what mistake I fixed, but I probably fixed one. So cheers for me. x3


	2. Oh Hell No

**Author's Note: **I don't know _where_ I got the idea for this… but that doesn't matter, does it? As long as I get to make fun of people.

Just a slight warning, there is a tiiiiiny bit of KuramaxYusuke in this chapter, though it's not meant to be taken as romance. At all. So back off rabid yaoi fangirls.

This was written… well… around three months ago or so. So trust me when I say, I was too lazy to edit it.

Thank you's to Noughts and Luin-lubs for reviewing, and to the two people who put this story on alerts. Yup.

**Summary:** Fairy tales. The meaning of every child's life and the bane of every adult forced to read it to them… and the newest way to poke fun at the Reikai Tentai, who find themselves playing the main character. Cinderella has never been so twisted.

**Disclaimer:** I do not own YYH, nor will I ever own YYH. Boo hoo.

* * *

**Fairy Tales of DOOM – Oh Hell No **

While Koenma was busy entertaining himself with wine and arguments over the topic of underage or not, Kurama, whose name looks surprisingly like his, wasn't as lucky. Unless, of course, you're the kind of person who likes being dropped onto a cold, cement floor… on your butt.

Kurama wasn't.

While the redhead busied himself with standing up and dusting himself off, as is the usual routine, he glanced around. Wherever this is, it was definitely _not_ Koenma's office.

Oh well.

"Cinderella, get your butt over here, now!" a shrill voice screeched. The fox incarnate cringed, half expecting to be faced with a demon.

Wait a minute, Cinderella? As in the Cinderella in the fairy tale?

Oh hell no.

Kurama glanced down at a ragged dress that covered his body.

Oh hell yes.

One emerald eye twitched as he proceeded to whack his head repeatedly on the nearest wall. Just what he needs- to look more feminine than he already is.

If any of the others saw this, he was never going to live it down.

Ooh, he could just hear them now. Yusuke… Hiei… and especially Kuwabara, who was still jealous over the fact that he, the legendary Youko Kurama, was so much prettier than him.

It's not Kurama's fault he spent hours a day fawning over beauty magazines and brushing his hair, is it? God.

"CINDERELLA!" the voice shouted again, louder and shriller than before. Kurama cursed himself for not sticking gum in his ears while he had the chance.

He trudged, somewhat grudgingly, into the next room, where he was greeted with a very horrendous sight.

Two women -two very unappealing women- sat half-naked in a large bucket of warm water.

"Well?" the ultra obese one asked, "Are you going to scrub our backs, or are we going to have to make you?"

"Yeah!" the other one, who happened to be as thin as a stick, chimed in.

Kurama's eye twitched even more as he grabbed a sponge. He'd rather not see them step out of the tub, thank you very much.

Well, this day is just splendid, isn't it?

---

A few hours after the incident-which-shall-never-be-named-again, Kurama found himself considerably happier than before… then again, that was because it couldn't get worse than… ahem… before, right?

Wrong.

Worse is yet to come, Kurama, darling.

Ew, darling? That's just…

Excuse the author while she goes to rinse her fingers with bleach, thus making them extremely pale and scaring everyone who sees them the next day.

While the fox incarnate busied himself with sweeping the floor -anything was better than having his eardrums killed a third time- a knock came on the door.

His supposed sisters and stepmother, who still hasn't been properly introduced, were, of course, too lazy to answer it.

So he did.

If there was one thing Kurama's going to be afraid of for the rest of his life, it's doors.

There, standing at the door, was a well-dressed middle aged man. That wasn't too bad, of course, if it wasn't for what he said.

"Prince Yusuke is having a ball next week in order to search for a worthy bride. All the maidens of this kingdom are welcome to attend," he announced nobly before flourishing an elaborate bow and holding out a piece of paper that contained all the information.

It was at that moment the fox incarnate learned another important life lesson. Never, ever reach out to grab a piece of paper with information about a prince's ball.

If you do, two sisters who don't look anything like each other will shove you out of the way. Hard.

It was like Christmas shopping the day before Christmas Eve all over again.

Kurama swore.

---

That night, the two stepsisters and the evil stepmother, who still has yet to make an appearance in the story, left Kurama all alone in the house, as was expected.

After all, it is the story of Cinderella.

As Kurama sat there, not really weeping nor crying like the story intended her… erm, sorry, him, to, when a magical poof, followed by a cloud that made him cough harshly, appeared.  
From that magical poof stepped out… Hiei?

The redhead glanced at the fire demon. The fire demon glanced back.

"What the hell!" both exclaimed at the same time, stepping backwards.

You can't blame Kurama for being surprised. After all, there was Hiei, manly old Hiei, wearing a periwinkle dress and a pair of translucent wings stinking out. In his hand held a cute wand, and a matching crown went on his head. In other words, Hiei looked cute, and not rabid hamster cute either, on no, his cute was teddy bear cute.

Hiei scowled, and yanked off the crown.

Everything paused for a moment, then time began to rewind, back to the point before Hiei pulled off the crown.

But that was no use, because he did it again.

And time rewinded, again.

This process continued for a while, until Kurama got tired of rewinding time. Or, more technically, he got tired of sitting there for hours on end while time rewinded and his butt became sorer by the minute. So, as Hiei moved to yank off the crown, Kurama stopped him.

"I think," he began, loathing himself for saying such a thing, "we're supposed to follow our roles in this, or time will keep rewinding until we do."

Hiei growled, but obeyed.

"You, oh poor grieving maiden who seems like a Mary Sue in every single way, shall be able to go a ball set up by a complete idiot. Ain't that just so freaking awesome," he grumbled, voice monotone.

Kurama cringed. He had the short end of the stick, not Hiei. After all, what he was about to do will be worse than parading around in a periwinkle dress.

Remembering the dress, he snickered and risked a glance at Hiei again.

"Don't laugh fox. Look at what you're wearing."

The boy obeyed while cursing himself for doing so. There he was, the legendary Youko Kurama…

In a pink, poofy dress.

Wearing slippers that just killed his feet.

There goes his reputation.

Hiei smirked, "How much sweet snow will you give to keep my mouth shut?"

Kurama glared at him, "Shut up. Just… shut up."

"Well," the fire demon said, nonchalantly, "I could be wrong, but this is the part where 'Cinderella' rushes off to the ball and meets her prince charming, right? I never knew you liked the detective that much, fox."

Scowling, said fox pulled himself into the carriage. Koenma was going to pay. Big time.

---

As Kurama stepped off the carriage and into the grand ballrooms, every eye turned to look at he- him. Oops.

Yusuke, clad in a clashing outfit that didn't fit his persona whatsoever, strode up to him. As he bowed -and nearly tripped over his own feet in the process- he said with a false British accent, "May I have this dance?"

Kurama nodded stiffly. If he had to go through with this, he was only going to do this once.

As the two waltzed across the room, the redhead whispered, "So, I assume you've got the whole time-warps-until-you-do-what-you're-supposed to thing figured out?"

Yusuke nodded. "If I didn't, I wouldn't be dancing with a guy, would I? I got it when I tried to grope this one girl, but I never got to…"

"Sometimes, Yusuke, less description is preferred over more."

'Prince Charming' shrugged.

---

After the clock stroke twelve and after Kurama had ran out, pulling off one shoe on the way and tossing it on the massive staircase which Genkai would be jealous of. He swore to never open another book about fairy tales for as long as he lived.

That is, _if _his ego will let him live after this is all over and done with.

---

The next day arrived, and poor, grieving Kurama who could pass off as a perfect Mary Sue had a scowl on his face. He was absolutely dreading what was about to happen. The poor, innocent boy was shaken out of his list of all the horrible ways he would kill Koenma with by a knock on the door.

It was the elder stepsister who opened the door to reveal a very disheveled Yusuke. Mumbling something about magic and how in hell princes can search through an entire city in under a day, he shoved the two swooning girls out of his way and went up to Kurama.

"Miss," he muttered sardonically, "Would you be so kind as to try on this glass slipper I had oh-so-coincidentally found at the staircase?"

Without waiting for a response, he yanked Kurama's foot out from under him and pushed the slipper on.

Kurama's feet were too big.

Yusuke snarled and put more force into getting the fox's foot into the slipper, earning a loud yelp from said fox.

"Oh wow oh gee, would you just look at that. Her foot fit perfectly," Yusuke said in the same voice he had spoken with earlier. "Now let's go ride off into the sunset and let everyone but us live happily ever after."

Yusuke exited as Kurama followed, but not before turning around to give the two gaping sisters 'the finger'.

_And everyone lives happily ever after…_

In the background, an annoyed Kuwabara dressed in a very poofy dress with excessive makeup stomped his feet angrily. "That's not fair! I'm the evil stepmother, how come I didn't get to make an appearance!"

_Except that insane dude who was sent to the insane asylum._

…

_And the Reikai Tentai, who would soon find themselves stuck in yet another fairy tale._

* * *

Tell me if I've made any grammar, spelling, and any other errors. I don't have a beta, and... well, I'm probably too lazy to ask my friend to beta. So... yeeeeeeeeah.

I also need ideas.  
In other words, if you're insane and have a twisted sense of humour, and would like to help me by giving me ideas on how to twist a fairy tale I'm not working on, I'd gladly listen. I cannot, however, guarantee that I'd write it exactely that way.

One last thing before I go. A few lines as teaser for the next fairy tale, because I'm bored and have nothing to do. Whoop de doo.

... Ah-ha!" the mirror exclaimed in the voice of Yusuke, triumphant. "I knew you were jealous...  
... then, pausing, he added, "By the way, you're married… to a man...  
... had just happily added 'make Koenma watch as his precious teddy bear is being burned and torn to a bazillion pieces...


	3. Pretty Boy and: Part One

**Author's Note: **By the title of this, I'm pretty sure you know what's coming up. Yup, snow white and the seven midgets… err… dwarves. Yeah, dwarves. Let's just go with that and all be happy.

Thank you's to the six people who reviewed– Luin, JustConfusion, Sinor, Psychogirl234, Kyuushi, and Ami. I totally love you all. 8D Ami, I totally love the red riding hood idea. x) Expect that to turn up somewhere around chapter… nine… xDDD Little Mermaid sounds fun too, actually. :3

**Summary:** Fairy tales. The meaning of every child's life and the bane of every adult forced to read it to them… and the newest way to poke fun at the Reikai Tentai, who find themselves playing the main character. Cinderella has never been so twisted.

**Disclaimer:** I do not own YYH, nor will I ever own YYH. Boo hoo.

* * *

**Fairy Tales of DOOM – Pretty Boy and… (Part One)**

"Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who is the fairest of them all?" a wicked figure questioned, grinning maliciously at the object currently hanging on… well, her wall.

"Certainly not you," the mirror spat, a taste of utter annoyance in its voice.

The wicked figure, who is now revealed as Kuwabara, scowled at the mirror. "It's not my damn fault I'm not some stupid pretty boy like Kurama, you know!"

"Ah-ha!" the mirror exclaimed in the voice of Yusuke, triumphant. "I knew you were jealous of Kurama."

"Jealous?" Kuwabara asked, scowling. "Ooh, lookit me, I'm a pretty little pretty boy who dances around with pretty pedals of roses, fear me or be destroyed prettily by my pretty fury!"

Yusuke laughed, "You're so jealous."

"Am not!"

The Spirit Detective shrugged, if mirrors could shrug, "If you insist in denial," then, pausing, he added, "By the way, you're married… to a man."

"WHAT!"

Ooh, that screech is definitely going down in the Guinness World Book of Records.

---

Meanwhile, Kurama, who found himself in the role of a woman… again. In a dress… again. Going to be rescued by a prince. Again.

Did the only thing he could.

He screeched.

The screech was louder, more shrill, and worse on the eardrums than Kuwabara's.

Ooh, burn Kuwabara. Kurama just beat you… again!

Wow, how many again's did we use?

---

Kuwabara, realizing that he was playing the queen, ordered one of the evil, deadly demons at his disposal to kill Kurama.

After all, just because you're Kuwabara, and male, doesn't mean you can't be a queen, right?

Oh… right… queens are female, aren't they?

But, anyways, Queen Kuwabara -oh how he was beginning to love that name- ordered his evil, deadly demons to kill Kurama.

Even though he knew he wouldn't succeed.

But, eh, it's worth a try, right?

---

Kurama had just happily added 'make Koenma watch as his precious teddy bear is being burned and torn to a bazillion pieces, then tie the pieces together and use it to strangle him' to his list of ways to kill Koenma when suddenly, a demon just poofed in from nowhere.

It was… err… thanks to the magic of fairy tales that the demon is able to do so?

Yeah, let's just go with that.

Instinctively, Kurama reached into his hair to pull out a seed, only to remember that he had forgotten to put them back in after he brushed his hair. However, luckily for Kurama, the demon wouldn't even think about killing him because he was, surprisingly enough, homosexual.

So, instead of killing him, the demon began tormenting Kurama with an array of cheap pick up lines.

"No, for the last time," the fox incarnate stated, exasperated, "I am not a Libra."

"Oh…" the demon muttered dumbly, before perking up again and asking, "Gemini?"

"Do I look like I have a doppelganger right beside me?"

The demon shook his head.

"Exactly," Kurama stated, scowling.

Deciding to get the 'get kissed by prince charming, who is the same sex as him. Again' thing over with, Kurama kneed the demon in 'that place,' and ran off into the woods. Sighing in relief as he finally got himself far, far away from the freaky homosexual demon who tried cheap pick up lines on him.

After all, if you were going to convince a millennia-old fox to date you, you should at least have a tiny shred of originality.

"No!" the demon exclaimed, magically able to follow Kurama. "We are meant to be, for we are both homosexual."

Kurama's scowl darkened as he picked up a rock and tossed at the demon's head. "Dammit, just because I look more beautiful than any other male alive doesn't mean I'm interested in them. I like chicks, for god's sakes!"

"My great great great great great great great great great great great grandfather was a bird demon, is that okay?"

Kurama decided to simply zip his mouth, keep running, and hope for the best. A second later, the best happened.

In other words, the demon tripped on a random tree root and fell face-first onto the ground, unconscious.

After heaving a sigh in relief and thanking kami for the existence of random tree roots, the redhead decided to venture into the woods just a bit further. After all, what could be worse than a homosexual demon and his cheap pick up lines?

Well, okay, maybe seven identical Hiei clones would be. But it's not like that'd ever happen, right?

---

The evil queen, also known as Kuwabara, screamed in frustration as he realized he made the mistake of sending a homosexual demon.

"Dammit, Yusuke, how could he just fall for Kurama like that? I mean, I'm more prettier than him, right? I've got more sex appeal than some silly little pretty boy. RIGHT?"

Yusuke cringed, really glad that he's a mirror right now, and replied, "Sheesh Kuwabara, more prettier? Stop sleeping in class."

The orange haired boy frowned, "Just answer the question."

"How am I supposed to know!" Yusuke asked. "I. Like. Keiko. Who, by the way, happens to be female."

"Oh…" Kuwabara muttered. "Right…"

The room fell into silence.

Or, rather, it did so for a minute before Kuwabara spoke up again. "So… Yusuke, does Keiko think I'm more appealing than Kurama?" he asked.

Yusuke sighed. "Kuwabara, Keiko's my _girlfriend_. In other words, if she found any guy more appealing than me, he's gonna have his guts ripped out."

Kuwabara nodded, deciding to not speak a word about the time Keiko claimed Hiei was 'hot' after she had been kidnapped and transformed into a demon by said fire demon. Against her will, one might add.

Then his expression turned into a frown. So… girls like midgets who kidnap them and turn them into demons? Such odd creatures they are.

---

If you thought Kuwabara was the worst off of them all, you're clearly wrong.

Kurama, who was wandering aimlessly in the forest just a few minutes ago, had accidentally stumbled upon a quaint little house.

Upon entrance, he realized it was anything but quaint.

There, in the house, was a room -he assumed it was a living room- with seven identical window sills, and on each of those window sills, sat a Hiei.

There were seven identical Hiei clones.

That's definitely worse than a homosexual demon lusting after him.

Seven pairs of crimson eyes turned toward the fox.

"Oh," they stated in unison. "This is where we introduce ourselves, right?"

Kurama stared in semi-bewilderment as seven identically dressed sadistic midgets strode up to him.

The first midget leered, "I'm Hiei One, also known as Angst."

"Hn, Hiei Two, Tragedy."

And so on and so fourth, until all seven Hieis had been introduced. Their names were, in order of introductions, Angest, Tragedy, Murder, Destroy, Pillage, Evil, and Bob.

Indeed, the last Hiei was a bit abashed as he explained that his name came from the fact that he had once done a children's show, Bob the Builder, in order to earn money in order to pay for seven million tonnes of sweet snow.

"Well…" Kurama muttered, "This is just lovely. I suppose you expect me to buy ice cream for you now."

Seven nods met his statement, "Yes fox," they said in freaky unison as well as monotone. "Pay for our sweet snow. Or else."

Kurama looked deadpanned. "Can I take the homosexual demon lusting after me instead? Please?"

"Nope."

---

We now go back to Kuwabara, who is planning another great way to kill Kurama, and following him, all the other boys who are prettier than him.

Which would pretty much leave only the male worms.

Oh god, he must be stopped! What will the yaoi fangirls do -what will any self respecting fangirl do- if there are no pretty boys to lust after? Save us Kurama!

Well, actually, nevermind. You see, luckily for the fangirls, Kuwabara isn't extremely gifted in the revenge plans category. His best idea was really, really stupid.

In other words, his best idea consisted of poisoning Kurama with a rotten apple.

Sheesh, how sad is that?

Cackling evilly, Kuwabara asked to nobody in particular, "Ha! Let's just see who's gonna be the prettiest after you die, Kurama!"

"Kurama?" Yusuke guessed, voice smug.

"Shut up!" the orange haired boy exclaimed, punching the mirror with his fist.

Yusuke did, of course, because the mirror broke and would, therefore, cease to exist in the world of Pretty Boy and Seven Little Midgets.

Kuwabara wasn't as lucky as he realized his hand is now bloody from smashing the mirror. "I'm blaming this on Kurama!" he exclaimed, huffing.

* * *

Yeah. Two part story. First part is this. xDDD Review and make me love you? 8D And… ugh… here's a little preview of the next part. ;o 

… implying I'm short…  
… life is great when you've got a slave working to meet your every demand…  
… hurry up and kill him already…

Also, I need narrator suggestions for an... ahem... thing... I'll be doing later. Way later. x) Basically, just tell me if you'd want the narrator to be either obsessed with one of the characters (can be the same sex ;o), extremely nonchalant and Hiei-like, hyper and insane, or anything else that may be a crazed trait. I need more insanity. xP


	4. Seven Little Midgets: Part Two

**Author's Note: **I had planned for this to be in the same chapter as the first one, honestly. The twisted tale of Snow White was supposed to be named 'Seven Little Midgets' and be only one chapter. However, due to… circumstances beyond my control, such as an odd sense of humor, it's now a two-part story. The full name being, of course, Pretty Boy and Seven Little Midgets.

Erm... yes. Delay. Lots of it. I suck, I know. xD Thankes for all the reviews and comments though. 8D You people made me actually upload this. x3

**Summary:** Fairy tales. The meaning of every child's life and the bane of every adult forced to read it to them… and the newest way to poke fun at the Reikai Tentai, who find themselves playing the main character. Cinderella has never been so twisted.

**Disclaimer:** I do not own YYH, nor will I ever own YYH. Boo hoo.

* * *

**Fairy Tales of DOOM – Seven Little Midgets (Part Two)**

"Fox, is the sweet snow ready yet?"

"Dammit, Hiei!" the frustrated voice of Kurama came, "I'm not your slave! That's not what happens in Snow White and the Seven Little Dwarfs."

A pause, then, "Are you implying I'm short?"

Another exasperated groan met the seven fire demons' synchronized response. The Hieis, not knowing what to do, simply shrugged and turned around to look out of their precious windowsill.

Ah, life is great when you've got a slave working to meet your every demand for sweet snow.

"Here's your precious sweet snow Hiei," Kurama muttered, grumbling as he emerged from the kitchen, a platter with seven identical bowls of ice cream on hand.

The Hieis glanced at the ice cream, then up at Kurama. "There's no sprinkles on this," they stated flatly.

"We ran out," the fox incarnate stated simply.

"Then you go out and get some," the Hiei nicknamed Bob stated simply.

"What Bob said," Hiei three, Murder, said in agreement.

Bob glared at the other Hiei, "I told you not to call me Bob."

"So what are we supposed to call you?" Angest asked, sarcastic. "The great and almighty master of the universe?"

"I told you, call me that!" Evil exclaimed, glaring at Angest.

Kurama glanced wearily at the seven Hieis, who were falling into another anti-climatic battle. "Life sucks."

"Fox, get our sprinkles. Now," the seven Hieis demanded in unison before returning to the battle with each other.

Sparing them one last glare, the redhead hurried out the door, hoping that the evil queen, who he still hasn't met, would just hurry up and kill him already.

---

Said evil queen was currently staring intently at an apple on her desk, bags under his eyes and counting the time it would take for the apple to rot enough to food poison Kurama.

"What I need right now," he muttered, "is some kind of super cool machine ray that can make apples go rotten in under two seconds. Shouldn't royality have access to that stuff?"

He had planned on to return to his brooding after that, though a knock came on his door. Opening it, a servant was revealed to be on its other side, a basket of rotten apples at hand. "Sorry to distract you milady," the servant said, "but I'm here to see if you would rather I throw these apples out, or feed them to the pigs."

"Throw them out, of course!" Kuwabara yelled without a moment's hesitation. "If we feed them to the pigs, they'd get food poisoning and die."

The servant nodded and bowed before exiting.

"Sheesh," the orange haired boy muttered before returning to his slowly rotting apple, "how stupid are these people? Of course you throw them out. Now," she grinned, "back to my slowly rotting apple. Just you watch Kurama, you're going to get food poisoning and die!" Kuwabara ended his little speech with the traditional evil laughter, which must be perfected by evil villains far and wide.

Of course, he never realized that he could just have taken a rotten apple from the servant and fed that to Kurama.

Looks like the fox incarnate will be alive another day… the poor thing.

---

Since this is a fairy tale and, as we all know, fairy tales have the magic power to speed up time to whenever it wants it to go to, time sped up. Soon, enough time had passed and Kuwabara's apple was finally rotten enough to food poison someone with. Just for good measure though, the evil queen wannabee decided to toss in a few worms, you know, just to make pretty boy Kurama choke prettily and die a pretty death?

Despite what he said, Kuwabara is so jealous.

That same boy is also somewhat insane, as he is currently stroking the rotten, wormy apple tenderly, grinning like a madman, "Oh yessssssss precioussssssss, we're gonna kill mean old Kuramasssss, and they'd never call ussssss ugly again… never preciousssss… never…"

Needless to say, the boy seriously needed to touch up his Gollum imitation skills, which were by far the worst this girl has ever seen.

But the point of this whole thing is, Kurama is going to die from food poisoning because he wants to. After all, even death is better than working for seven identical Hiei carbon clones, and especially so when you can just blackmail Koenma into bringing you back to life again.

Life is sweet.

---

"Life sucks," a very dishevelled Kurama muttered as he hauled in yet another seven shopping bags full of ice cream through the tiny door for the tenth time in the last hour. "The queen is so stupid. I mean, does it really take that long to come here, give me a poisoned apple one can easily purchase from any market place, and kill me?"

"Just in time fox," Tragedy stated blankly, "We've just finished the last tonne you got us."

Kurama fainted.

Just then, the doorbell rang.

Bob opened it to reveal an orange haired teen in a clashing bright orange dress with neon green pokadots. "Sorry," he said, "We're not looking to buy insurance, clown outfits, or whatever it is you're selling unless it's sweet snow. Come back in another hundred years or so."

"Shrimp?" Kuwabara stated in bewilderment as the door slammed in his face, "I should have known you'd play one of the little midgets."

"Shut up before I cut your head off, fool," the seven identical Hieis droned, all hands flying to where their swords would have been… if they had one.

Unfortunately, since the seven little dwarves didn't, the seven little midgets wouldn't either.

Kuwabara, upon seeing the seven identical Hieis in their identical shortness, squealed and fainted, screeching for a prince to 'hold me' all the way.

The Hieis grimaced and dragged both the bodies out of their house and into a random clearing. After all, you wouldn't want to accidentally step on an unconscious body and get your shoes dirty, would you?

---

One sunny day, a handsome prince arrived into the clearing, having gotten lost in the forest in search of a 'beautiful princess with fiery red hair and emerald eyes.' He had to do so in order for his grand scheme, which includes the kidnapping of said princess and the other kingdom paying a grand ransom for the return of the beautiful princess, thus making him richer and more powerful than he already is.

Beauty could not sway this man, for you see, he was… well… gay.

Therefore, it was his dream come true when he realized that the princess was a man; a very hot man who just so happened to be unconscious right now. Grinning like a boy on his birthday, he remembered all the fairy tales he had read thus far.

In other words, all he has to do is kiss the redhead and they'll fall madly in love and live happily ever after.

The prince squee'd like a hyper fangirl before leaning down to his unsuspecting victim, whose eyes just so happened to snap open this very moment. Needless to say, the prince sat back up in surprise.

Kurama scowled, muttering under his breath, "Oh great, the prince just has to be gay, doesn't he?"

However, outwardly, he said, "Great, you're here. Let's ride off into the sunset quickly so I can get the hell out of this nightmare."

Too stunned to speak, the poor boy could only nod dumbly as he did what the fox incarnate stated.

_And everyone lived happily ever after…_

Kuwabara, oh woe is he, woke up the day after Kurama had already disappeared from the realm. As he did so, a great portal thing appeared under him, sucking him into oblivion and beyond. Yay?

_The exception, once again, is poor Kuwabara._

_It seems that the book hates him._

_But, as is required in all fairy tale endings…_

_Everyone lived happily ever after…_

_Not._

* * *

Ew. This story is becoming Kuwabara-bashing-ish. Eew. D: I actually like Kuwabara, believe it or not. xD I'm a sucker for the whole valour and honour thing. x) But you have to admit, that attitude is pretty funny. x3

Review. Constructive critisim, and stuff. I should write something to copy and paste into the end of every chapter.


	5. The Madness that is: Part One

**Author's Note: **Funny story. I was actually working on another chapter before this one. But that idea sorta… kinda… well, died on me. Therefore, you are now forced to read Insomniac Beauty instead.

Gee, lovely title. I know, my brain's dead. Nyeh.

**Summary:** Fairy tales. The meaning of every child's life and the bane of every adult forced to read it to them… and the newest way to poke fun at the Reikai Tentai, who find themselves playing the main character. Cinderella has never been so twisted.

**Disclaimer:** I do not own YYH, nor will I ever own YYH. Boo hoo.

* * *

**Fairy Tales of DOOM – The Madness That is… (Part One)**

Kurama glared at the title of the chapter and scowled. "For the last time, I'm not gay!"

Then he proceeded to babble on about stupid authors and their love of making the prettiest, most beautiful, and definitely the most _masculine_ boy in the series play all the female roles.

He decided to omit the fact that, in truth, both Kuwabara and Hiei had played as… well… females… as well.

The spirit fox sighed, deciding that once and for all that the author was jealous because his pretty, beautiful, gleaming crimson hair was _so_ much prettier than hers.

Ha! Take that you stupid author.

That was the last thought that registered in the redhead's mind before he found himself falling… into yet another fairy tale.

---

Once upon a time in a beautiful castle, there lived a handsome king and his beautiful wife-

"She's not beautiful, and she's not my wife," a very disgruntled Hiei muttered, scowling at the layers of rich garments that decked his body.

"That's just stress talking, dear," a woman stated wisely. "I know, it must be hard managing a kingdom and all, but really, you could try cutting that hair. And grow a beard, for god's sake. It makes you look smart, if nothing else."

The fire demon's scowl deepened, if possible. "If I ever even think about marrying a woman, I'm going to stab myself first."

"S-tress!" the queen sang, grinning.

Hiei kept scowling, his mind going over images of him gorging out the woman's eyes and singeing her golden tresses.

He couldn't help but laugh manically.

Ahem. Back to the story. As the narrator was… erm… narrating, a king and his wife, and all that sort of cool stuff everyone loves and adores. Then, one perfectly beautiful day, the kingdom erupted in happiness as a beautiful prince was born. To celebrate this absolutely stupendous occasion, three beautiful _female_ fairies were invited to the castle.

"Hey!" Yusuke protested. "Waddya mean female? I'm not female. I'm a guy. G-U-Y!"

Then the adolescent glanced down and almost had a heart attack. There, on his chest, were two round… round…

UGH!

"The toddler will die," he threatened in a voice that, really, sounded more like Hiei's than anyone else.

Hey, anyone going to tell Hiei's voice actor that he read the wrong line? Hello?

Anyways, the first fairy came up to the child, and, with a wave of her wand, declared, "I give this child beauty like no one has ever seen nor will ever witness again."

The second fairy came up, and, flicking her wrist, she declared, "The prince shall grow up to be intelligent like no other, and turn out to be possessed by a fox demon and enter a tournament, in which he shall nearly forfeit his life."

"Hey! That's not a blessing!" the queen exclaimed as she proceeded to pound the fairy's brains out with the royal frying pan. It wasn't really a frying pan, since it was never actually used for frying. Oh no, it was more commonly used to, simply put, beat the crap out of annoying people.

That, and to make her husband obey.

When, finally, the appropriate punishment was administered and the fairy lay on the ground, half-dead, the queen grinned. "Now, dear, since I'm completely gender-biased and want a princess instead of a prince, we'll be raising our child as a _princess_," she stressed the word princess extra hard, "and naming _her_ Aurora. Alright?"

Hiei glanced at the infant which would, most likely, be played by Kurama during the time slip. He felt somewhat sorry for the fox, but…

It was a lovely way to blackmail Kurama into buying him more sweet snow.

Therefore, forcing a grin that looked completely out of place, Hiei said, "Of course. Anything you say…" pause, wait a few seconds, choke… "dear."

The queen smiled absentmindedly, "There's the kind, loving, and extremely gay-like man I married."

Hiei choked until his face turned blue and he was about to die. "I am not gay! The fox is gay, not me! I'm Hiei, the very epitome of manliness!"

Pause.

Silence.

The pitter patter of little feet as Hiei rushed out the door to dunk a gallon of water over his head, then take some drugs, to rid his mind of all that… that… Kuwabara-like-ness.

Oh god. The next thing you know, the poor thing would be cursing Kurama to hell and back for being prettier than him.

Oh god. He claimed Kurama was prettier than him… and used prettier instead of more handsome.

Hiei was going insane, but at least he's sane enough to realize it.

The queen turned back to the party, a cheerful grin upon her face. "Well, it's your turn third fairy. Bless her with something cool, like some ability to control roses," here, her eyes darkened. "Or else."

Yusuke gulped, vowing that once he got back to Ningenkai, he'd make sure he never proposed to Keiko. Ever. Wives are scary.

Just as he was about to do what the queen instructed, an evil black cloud swirled about the room. Everyone knew it was evil, because it was all evil and malicious like, you know? And, amidst that dark cloud was an evil, foreboding figure, whose appearance made everyone who saw him throw up.

The castle was soon covered with the contents of everyone's stomachs.

But that's not the point, is it?

The point is, the evil, malicious figure, whose appearance-

Yup, Kuwabara. We should feel sorry for the boy, actually. The fairy tales book doesn't like him…

Could it be possible that it was created by a—readers, please gasp dramatically here—insane homicidal fangirl who loathes Kuwabara with every fibre of her being? Oh my god, yet another dramatic plot twist.

But, then again, it's no wonder. There was Kuwabara, shrouded by a dark cloud and dressed like a hooker. If he was a female, maybe it wasn't bad. But he was a guy, and, well, that look really doesn't suit those with hairy chests, you know?

Kuwabara, ignoring the disgust of everyone present and especially Yusuke, who had that please-don't-tell-me-I'm-the-same-race-as-this-guy look on his face, strode right up to Kurama, glaring at the poor boy. "Dammit, he's even better at cross-dressing than me," he cursed.

Of course, he failed to mention that there is very little gender distinction between male and female when they're infants.

Glaring at Kurama, he declared, "On your sixteenth birthday, you shall prick your finger on… err… something… and find yourself in a deep sleep, troubled by nightmares of Karasu, and me, being prettier than you. Bwahahaha!"

Of course, he left after the evil cackle, just as all good, great, wonderful, and completely cliché evil villains are meant to do.

The queen's face fell, "Sixteen? Oh god, that means Aurora has to hit puberty by fifteen, or I'll have to have a new kid and go through childbirth all over again if I want to be a grandmother!"

Yusuke looked deadpanned. "Err, you know, I'm supposed to bless her too."

"Great!" the queen exclaimed, all traces of angst gone. "Make it so Aurora is suddenly transformed into a female and hits puberty by the age of fifteen so I can get myself a grandchild. Now!"

Yusuke, however, was going to go by the story and face certain death. In other words, he slashed the wand through the air and said, "You shall not sleep and have nightmares of dead homosexual demons, instead, you're going to sleep and not dream. At all," then, realizing he missed some parts, he added. "You shall also awaken when a prince—thank god I'm not the prince this time—kisses you. Oh, and the sleep is going to be a hundred years, because a hundred is a cool number and I like it."

The queen scowled at Yusuke, "What?! This means I'm going to have to wait over a hundred years to be a grandmother? Oh. My. God," and with that, she fell on her knees and wept.

"Oh, right," Yusuke stated, realizing his mistake. "The castle is also gonna go to sleep with Aurora, or Kurama, whoever. That way, the queen isn't going to have an excuse to murder me, because she will get to see her grandchild…"

"Yes!" the queen cheered, suddenly bright and happy.

"Oh, and Aurora and/or Kurama isn't going to need bathroom breaks. He's going to kill me if he wakes up in a puddle of urine."

"Ahem."

"And the rest of the castle isn't either. I'd rather not be chased down by a mob, no matter how pretty a combination pitchforks and torches make."

_And so begins the madness…_

To be continued.

* * *

It's finally been fixed. I can't believe I forgot Aurora. Waaaaai, I'm such a bad person. DDD: I sleep late, I watch TV, I play computer games, and I chase butterflies… I'm a horrid person. TT

I read this through once today and fixed—hopefully—most of the mistakes. I've also updated the punctuation a bit to match my current style. C:


	6. Insomniac Beauty: Part Two

**Author's Note: **Huh, my chapters are getting longer, wouldja figure that? It's a good thing that they are, really, because now I get to divide them into two equally insane parts and make my story seem longer. That, and that readers won't have to wait as long between each update.

The first reasoning's more important though.

**Summary:** Fairy tales. The meaning of every child's life and the bane of every adult forced to read it to them… and the newest way to poke fun at the Reikai Tentai, who find themselves playing the main character. Cinderella has never been so twisted.

**Disclaimer:** I do not own YYH, nor will I ever own YYH. Boo hoo.

* * *

**Fairy Tales of DOOM – Insomniac Beauty (Part Two)**

Fifteen point ninety-nine years passed, and the princess'—that is, Aurora's—sixteenth birthday was fast approaching. During these past fifteen point ninety-nine years, the princess grew up to be a beautiful and fantastic cross-dresser who was never suspected to be anything but female…

"Hey!" Kurama protested. "I'm not a cross-dresser. I'm forced to wear dresses because the stupid queen wants a daughter and Hiei—some friend he is—wants to blackmail me with pictures of me in dresses when we get out of this stupid book just so I'd buy him ice cream."

Like I said, a beautiful cross-dresser who has a vile, disgusting, and absolutely wretched attitude toward poor disembodied voices who aren't supposed to be heard by the characters of the fairy tale.

"I told you! I'm not a cross-dresser. Say that again and I'll have plants to eat you and let them feast on your organs."

He was also going through his angst and rebellious stage. That was why everyone was keeping an eye, or two… three in Hiei's case, on the boy so he doesn't end up cutting himself and then dying. If he died, the fairy tale would have to find a new fool… err… character… to play the part of Sleeping Beauty. Yes, that would turn out to be a great tragedy indeed.

Well, then again, he could just be revived. That'd be easier.

"Ugh, I swear," Kurama muttered, "I can't wait for my 'sixteenth birthday.' Then I can sleep for a hundred years without being bothered by fairy tales and disembodied voices."

The poor fool also didn't realize the great, almighty thing every storyteller employed known as time slips. After all, how else did he grow up from a cute baby to a rebellious cross-dresser in under an hour?

Kurama scowled and muttered angrily to himself, adding disembodied voices to his list of people to kill. The palace servants took one glance at the boy, whom they presumed to be female, and hurried off. The 'princess,' as everyone in the kingdom knew all too well, was insane.

But she was also beautiful and extremely Mary-Sue-like, so everyone had to love her, who was actually a 'him', because everyone just _has _to love Mary-Sues. After all, they're so great and wonderful and absolutely _kewl_.

---

Sure enough, thanks to the magic that is known as time slips, it was the sixteenth birthday of the 'princess.' Kurama, now dressed in a very poofy, revealing, and altogether embarrassing dress, sat on a throne beside a crazed woman and Hiei, who was also crazed.

In other words, it was like being in the insane asylum, except worse, because there were poofy dresses and men ogling at him, who they really should recognize as completely male.

Yup, he was Youko Kurama, the prettiest, most beautiful fox demon who has ever lived and shall ever live because he'll kill off any who are prettier than him. He also played with roses and had prettier hair than the author, and he was completely, absolutely and one hundred percent male.

The reason nobody contradicted that comment out loud was because nobody wanted to be devoured by man-eating plants, which pretty much unbalances the food chain.

So, in other words, nature-obsessed freaks and people who'd rather not die, which made up all of the people who knew Kurama, would never speak a single word.

At least, not in his presence.

Alright, back to the story.

Kurama glanced around, realizing that it was now his sixteenth birthday, which means he could stab himself and go to sleep and never have to worry about his so-called parents again…

At least, not for another hundred years.

Therefore, pulling out a needle he had cleverly hidden in his sleeve, he pricked himself on the finger…

And promptly fell asleep, falling forward and off the throne in a very unladylike manner.

It's a good thing he's male, and only pretending to be female.

The castle fell asleep on the same moment, except for Hiei, who had been sleeping with his eyes open for the duration of the ceremony.

_Somewhere in a strange dimension known as reality, millions of Hiei fangirls swooned. Their precious Hiei-koi was so talented!_

Popping out with an evil malicious cloud which just screamed angst and suffering, Kuwabara cackled evilly. "Ha! Now you won't be around to be prettier than me for another hundred years."

Yusuke popped out beside Kuwabara, "You do realize that your outfit doesn't compliment your hairstyle, right?"

"Curses!" Kuwabara exclaimed. "The evil fox has outwitted me even while he's asleep!"

"I'm Yusuke."

"So? You were possessed by Kurama's ghost when you said that."

"Kurama's not dead."

The Spirit Sword user's bottom lip trembled as if he was going to cry, "I can dream, can't I?"

He burst into tears right after the sentence ended.

_In the same strange dimension, millions of Kurama fangirls suddenly poofed pitchforks and torches into their hands, determined to form a mob and boycott Kuwabara._

Yusuke blinked at his friend, "Err… you may want to go to a brain surgeon."

Pause.

Blink.

"You're right! With a talented _plastic _surgeon on my side, I can surely become the most prettiest, most cutest, and definitely the most _masculine_ man in all of existence!"

"I said _brain _surgeon."

"There's a difference?" Kuwabara asked, looking very much confused.

It was at that moment that Yusuke realized something—he definitely needs some normal friends. Preferably some who don't spend hours in front of a mirror, grooming themselves in order to become prettier than the pretty boy.

Or he could just dump everyone off a cliff. Maybe he could blame it on the wind, or a plot hole, or a Mary-Sue, or something.

Then he realized something else. He didn't even have to be talking to Kuwabara. Therefore, just like any other remotely non-out of character person would have done in his position, he disappeared in a puff of neon green smoke.

---

Many years passed. The strange castle housing the cross-dressing boy became shrouded in vines, which twisted and climbed over the walls, effectively killing some stupid guards who had fallen asleep by them.

In actuality, it was only a few minutes. But, thanks to the magic that is time slips, it shall now be many decades later.

Out of the blue, Kurama just… woke up. Blinking, confused, he glanced around and muttered, "I really should remember to put a glass of water beside the table. Who knows how I'm going to get one since all the servants are still asleep."

That… wasn't meant to happen.

How is Sleeping Beauty supposed to be Sleeping Beauty if he's not asleep?

"Rename it to Insomniac Beauty, duh," Kurama stated blankly, glancing, bored, at the air where he thought the disembodied voice lay.

_In another dimension, this one known as Internet, millions of Kurama purists decided to hunt down and kill all disembodied voices, for it had committed a heinous crime by being female and talking to Kurama! Zomigawd, a Mary-Sue!!!_

After he made the comment, Kurama slipped off the bed and made his way to where he hoped would be a kitchen, or at least a place with a tap and water.

It was then he realized the unspeakable evil that is medieval times and their lack of efficient ways to transport water. It meant that he had to—oh my god—draw water from a well.

Kurama sighed and lay back down, deciding that he could do without water…for now.

---

A few days passed before a saviour appeared in the form of an obsessive adolescent of the strange dimension, reality, who had been magically transported into the world of Insomniac Beauty.

Said adolescent squealed girlishly, grinning, "Ooh, this is going to be great!" she exclaimed, dancing enthusiastically. "I get to save Kurama, fall in love with him, and live happily ever after as p-r-i-n-c-e-s-s!"

Of course, the poor girl didn't realize that Kurama would be teleported away as soon as the fairy tale ended, thus leaving her not even married to said redhead.

But why spoil it for her?

The girl grinned even wider, if possible, as she found herself magically teleported inside the castle, as if the fairy tale _knew_ she wouldn't be able to cut through all these vines.

It was there she found Kurama, dying of thirst. He was shrivelled up and ugly, and his hair hadn't been washed for months, but that didn't matter—he was Kurama, he was beautiful!

She blinked. Kurama blinked.

She glanced at him. Kurama glanced all over the room, in search of an escape route.

She tackled Kurama in a glomp, much like how a predator would tackle a prey, and grinned fiendishly. "I'll save you, Kurama, my love!"

Then she kissed him.

As the shock registered in the fox incarnate's brain, he quickly pushed the insane human off, and proceeded to dash to the opposite end of the room. "I need water, not saliva!" he exclaimed, looking at the girl with wariness.

"Oh god!" the female squealed, obviously not heeding his words. "You're wearing a dress! What manner of insane, evil creature will do this to you?" then, mouth set in grim determination, she declared, "I know! I'll go slay that evil creature, then we can ride off into the sunset and live happily ever after."

As lovely as the proposal sounded, Kurama would rather strangle Koenma himself (which really didn't make much sense). Therefore, without a second thought, he rose-whipped his supposed-to-be saviour to death…

This is perfectly fine, because the two had already kissed, which means, technically speaking, that the story is already over.

"Yes!" Kurama cheered. "I get to live and be prettier than Kuwabara for another day. Hoora!"

_Everyone lived happily ever after, for once._

_God I'm tired of saying that.

* * *

_

Fanfiction purists are going to come after me with pitchforks and torches. I just know it.

Why? Because we've established that the disembodied voice is female _and_ an original character. This can only mean one thing—she's a Mary-Sue, get her! Everybody knows that every original character who has talked to a bishounen, is not a significant villain, and happens to be female is a Mary-Sue, even if she's a dog or a toad or a cockroach. It's written in the very book of fanfiction purism.

It's a proven myth that 89 of the fanfiction community writes stupid clichéd stories with idiotic girls and plot holes, 10 writes canon, and 1 writes stories that contain original characters _and_ actually makes sense. Unfortunately, in the mind of 'fanfiction purists,' 90 of the fanfiction community writes Mary-Sues.

Excuse the rant. I'm just sick of it is all.

Now let's back to more pleasant things, like sunshine and butterflies. Hoora!

Review. Flame. Whatever. Everyone's opinions deserve to be heard. Freedom of speech! -waits for someone to realize that she's not American-

Quin's sorry for making you wait a month between updates, by the way. T3T


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